Writing Allows Us to be Heard
- May 2, 2021
- 3 min read
Today is International Bereaved Mothers Day.
It's a day for mothers that have experienced loss - whether in a baby that never grew to stillbirth to childhood illness, or more. As my last post mentioned, we lost two babies last year back to back - one in July and one in October.
Time may blunt the effects, but it doesn't change that we grieve. Some days we may briefly think on the children and other days, we are completely buried in thoughts of 'what ifs' and sadness.
This year has already had so many highs and lows. In January, I started off the year with a renewed motivation to write and edit, as well as keeping up this blog and website. In February, I tapered off a little - not as much writing, more editing and at least one post.
Then March hit. I'm fairly certain that I spent all of March escaping into books or watching T.V. shows. The bare minimum of editing was done (maybe 500 words?). I vowed that I would get my energy and motivation back.
April brought Camp Nano, of course. I set a goal (not as lofty as last year) and strove to meet it. I did, writing a short story for an anthology about magical fountain pens that my local writing group is working on. I even completed the first draft, making me feel that at least I did something.
And we're into May. We'll see how it goes this month - I'm hoping to keep up the momentum and at least do a post a week (plus an image), as well as editing the short stories. I will say this - my husband and I've also made it a goal to watch only a few hours of T.V. a week and no mobiles after work and until our son is in bed. I'm hoping that this will keep me motivated and I won't be wasting time mindlessly watching T.V. or scrolling through TikTok.
On Another Note
I’ve been quieter lately on social media lately, not just due to lack of motivation, but also because we are pregnant again. I do think that part of my loss of motivation in March was due to tiredness from the first trimester. Now that I'm in the second, I'm hoping to get even more energy back.
I am having to do blood thinner shots (Lovenox) twice a day and until my second trimester, went in weekly for blood and ultrasounds to make sure baby had a heartbeat and was growing. I know that we are lucky to have answers and that answers will help family as well, yet it doesn’t stop the grieving of the other two babies. It helps to know why but these two little ones will always be on my mind and stepping into the ultrasound room still gives me anxiety and small panic attacks.
It is hard navigating pregnancy after loss - dealing with the anxiety and fear, the feeling of guilt whenever I get excited about the baby. I am thankful for every kick and trip to the bathroom - and will even say I'm thankful for the shots that are keeping this baby alive.
We already love this little one and H is so excited to be a brother - though he isn’t quite sure what that entails.
It's been hard these past few months, and while I've written about it with a fountain pen using an intriguing ink ('writer's blood', anyone?) in a journal, I haven't talked about it much. It is very personal and not everyone likes to read that on a blog meant for writing. Losing a baby at any time is hard and is more common than people realize. For anyone that has experienced a loss, I’m so sorry and I grieve with you.
We are looking forward to this rainbow baby girl. She may not have a name yet, but she already has us wrapped around her little finger. I do hope everything continues to go well, and as we prepare for her arrival, I also hope that I can keep my concentration long enough on a story to write something that makes sense! Pregnancy brain is no lie! I already chased rabbit trails, now I have the attention span of a toddler.
Keep writing - however and whatever you need to write about - whether it is an outline or reminders from a book on grief that "It's okay to NOT be okay" or an entire story. Writing allows us to feel heard. And readers - you are our listeners.
Pregnancy After Loss Poem
Anxious.
Foot tapping,
Heart pounding.
Rooming blurring in and out.
Tap, tap.
It's time.
Silence.
Fingers crossed,
Deep breath in and out.
"Look!" she says.
"There's a heartbeat.
Your baby is growing."
Relief floods,
A sob takes me over.
The storm isn't quite finished,
But hope and a rainbow shines ahead.
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