I have hearing aids.
But what does that mean? Am I deaf? Am I hearing?
The medical terminology is politically incorrect. I am “hearing impaired.” That term is so… negative. Yes, I have trouble hearing. Certain sounds, words and sometimes entire conversations I do not hear. But is that so bad? Is it a disability? The hearing community would say it is. But the Deaf community sees it in an entirely different light. We have a whole language dedicated to the expressiveness of ones face and emotions. The language has been called a beautifully, expressive language. And it is. It is an entire language with a community who is so accepting.
This isn’t what this blog was about.
This blog is about fear.
The overwhelming, panic attacking fear. What do I mean? How can being hard-of-hearing be a fear?
That’s not my fear. Like most other deaf people, I can get overwhelmed in a large crowd. Panic attacks. Deer-in-headlights stopping fear.
Why? New situations can cause fear. That is true. But for me, it’s a little different.
I am Deaf (hard-of-hearing).
To read lips, I need people to face towards me (sideways is fine but makes it twice as hard). Everyone pushes their words out differently. Some have lisps, others have beards. Still some speak in a slow drawl, others with short, fast remarks. It takes me at least fifteen to thirty minutes to decipher your mouth and words enough to get conversation going forward. That doesn’t mean I’m an expert on your speaking – it just means I can follow along a little easier.
So Imagine This
Imagine meeting a large group of twenty people. That’s twenty people times at least fifteen minutes per person to try to understand how they speak. That’s at least 300 minutes. Or 5 hours. Yet, the gathering may be only 2 hours. Which means, I tend to miss most of what people are talking about to me.
Yet, I get a little fearful even with a gathering of Deaf people. Even though I’ve had hearing aids since I was 5, I grew up in the hearing culture. I grew up verbal, using my hearing aids and lip-reading to understand the words – to “hear.” I didn’t begin to learn ASL until I was 15, and even then, it was just sporadic church words and “ABCs.”
Then three years ago, I decided to embrace my deafness. I began going to local classes and studying the language (Signing Savvy is a great resource!). So, it’s nerve-wracking to be Deaf and not fluent in sign. Then you go to a big gathering of Deaf people and most have used sign language since they were young and they sign faster and with slang words.
And yet…
The Deaf are accepting. They slow down. They want to communicate. Trying to ask a hearing person to “please repeat” often gets a snarky reply and sigh back as they reluctantly repeat what they said. Typically this means I don’t even try to get what I missed.
So yes, I’d much rather face a gathering of Deaf people versus hearing. And I’m happy to identify as Deaf.
*Mechanical Ear art by Chuck Baird
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