It's been one year since my best friend died.
She was only 32 years old.
It's a different kind of pain, of loss, of grief than I had experienced before. I've gone through several deaths in my family - an uncle, cousins, grandparents - and I've gone through two pregnancy losses. This was not the same.
With my pregnancy losses, I had imagined life with the children. But I didn't know them. With my uncle and grandparents, it was unexpected, and the ache is left behind that they are gone from this life. With my cousins, it was sudden - but not unexpected with their lifestyle. I didn't know them well and I'm sad that we won't get to hang out and pay UNO again - or fight over the cream-cheese olives.
But with Katherine, there is a large void in my life now. For nearly a year, every time that I reached for thoughts of her, sadness overwhelmed me, blotting out memories of the happy times.
My son loved Katherine. For months after, he'd ask "Where's Katherine? And Tate?" (her dog). I'd gently remind him that she had died. When our older dog died this month, my son mentioned - in front of people - "Oh, Sophie died like Katherine. I miss them." I understand he's processing, yet, at the same time, the loss catches me and for a moment, grief covers me.
As for my daughter? She didn't even get to meet Katherine. And Katherine LOVED children. Katherine went on ECMO the same day that my daughter came (early, like her brother). And once she went on ECMO, she never woke up again. I like to think - hope - that she saw the text message my husband sent (or had read to her) about my daughter's birth. And once Katherine knew that she was here safe, she consented to the ECMO. It was mere hours after E that I got a call that she had been placed on ECMO.
There are so many stories I can tell about her - from coming to my rescue having my son 4 weeks early and needing smaller clothes, to throwing a sprinkle for my daughter, to going to the zoo, to watching the Librarians, to decorating for Christmas and making cookies, going ice-skating, and just chatting for hours at time, coming to the Halloween party and showing a completely new side, to providing advice on setting boundaries with people in my life.
All About Her
We met through a mutual friend and just clicked. We couldn't be more opposite - Katherine was short (I am average), she had blonde hair - straight that wouldn't hold curl (mine is dark brown and curly). She loved true crime podcasts (I prefer reading). She loved elephants and llamas (I like dolphins and dogs). The funny thing is, llamas was recent - and prompted all my gifts of things with llamas on it to her.
We both loved watching the Librarians or Timeless - and Big Bang Theory. We loved watching gymnastics - though, she was a die-hard Auburn fan. I didn't truly care, but well, I did go to UA. We loved seafood (oysters!). We loved taking hours going through TJ Maxx and HomeGoods. We loved crafting - and decorating cookies.
She came from a family of artists - from her uncle's photography, aunt's paintings, mom's quilting and pottery - but she liked to say she wasn't an artist, but rather a crafter. We decorated sugar cookies together and made Halloween and Christmas decorations. I wish I had learned to cross-stitch from her.
Katherine was a huge advocate for the Deaf community. Not only was she passionate about her job (interpreter for mental health), but also with providing accessibility for all people. She first learned ASL when she was in high school and became so intrigued, she went on to become an interpreter and graduate from Gallaudet University.
I was - and still am - jealous of her relationship with her family. She called them every morning and/or afternoon just to talk.
The one bright spot that we did before she died - we finally took the girl's trip we had talked about for several years. We went to Savannah and Tybee Island. She was fearless - from walking in the rain and not a care in the world to chatting up a couple of men from a bachelor party at the bar to convince them to let the 5-month pregnant girl sit (me) to stopping and talking - I mean, petting - every dog she saw. She and I were really the only ones who enjoyed the lighthouse climb. While she had asthma and struggled to get up the steps, she said the view was worth it. Me, I love the climb and the views - and peace - that comes from being at the top of the lighthouse.
I could understand her - she was hearing, but an interpreter - and so she signed and also seemed to just get my struggles. I could do my weird mix of English (voicing) and ASL - it never bothered her and she followed right along.
This Past Year
One good thing that has come from her death - I have made more friends. Katherine had her interpreter friend group, and then her D/HH friends. Her interpreter friend group "adopted" me and my group. We started hanging out to reminisce about Katherine and tell stories to keep her memory alive, but lately, we've been hanging out just because. We also created an ASL Book Club.
The girls also taught me how to cross-stitch. Katherine loved cross-stitching and always said she would teach me "soon." She had started a stocking for my son - and bought the design for my daughter's - and after, her mother gave it to me. I've been working on cross-stitching since January but, I haven't been able to pick up the stocking. I don't think I'm going to be able to this year. It's just.... overwhelming and hard.
What I did do was have a design created to remind me of Katherine - the cup from Luke's Coffee Shop (Gilmore Girls, her favorite show), hydrangeas (her favorite flower), Tate (her pup), a cardinal (her favorite bird, and coincidentally, what is used to symbolize a reminder of that person after death), and of course, the ILY (I love You hand sign) in ASL. We all do her little "quirk" with the sign - she always wiggled her forefinger as if waving.
And this month? We got a tattoo that reminded us of Katherine - a hydrangea and the word "so". It was my first tattoo (but I want more). Since then, the grief seems to have abated, as if it just needed me to have something physical to see daily.
Moving Forward
One of the things I miss about Katherine? She was a huge supporter of pursing my writing and publishing dreams. She pushed for me to not give up. Not having her here for the past year? It's sucked. I've lacked motivation and honestly, have almost given up multiple times.
But the biggest thing of all? I miss her. Her laugh, her silly faces, the way she started every story with "so", her crafting, and her hugs. She was... my closest friend and there will never be another like her. But then again, I am blessed to have met her and to have experienced her friendship and love because she lived and loved as if she only had a moment. And I, I need to do the same.
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