Fears and Continuing On

Let’s talk about fears. This isn’t a common type of blog post for me, but it’s been on my mind for several weeks.

What do YOU fear?

For me, it’s an ever growing list.

I fear never publishing a novel.

I fear “failing” as a mother.

I fear my family will never embrace the Deaf culture and sign language.

I fear the pandemic and losing someone close to it.

I fear needles.

Little fears I won’t write out. Sometimes, fears overwhelm me and I simply have to take a deep breath and power through the day. When my husband goes mountain biking on his own and he’s gone longer than he said he’d be gone - I fear he’s hurt and can’t get help. Or that my rough and tumble son will jump off the big rocks behind our house again and this time, hit his head and I won’t know what to do, or how to help. You know, those that I can't control but are little things that can turn into mountains and the big fears - they never downsize. I often say a quick prayer under my breath that consists of “Please Lord” just to get through the day and the nerves.

But my biggest fear lately has been one that is never far from my mind.

I fear never carrying a child to term again.

This worry is a recent addition after the two miscarriages we had in 2020. My pregnancy with H was a breeze - until I had a placenta abruption at 36 weeks - that we didn’t expect anything unusual. It was chalked up to an unexplained issue and since he was healthy, we didn’t think about it and our doctors didn't do any testing.

Then I got pregnant again and we lost the baby at ten weeks. And then quickly, easily, got pregnant again, losing the baby this time at seven weeks.

My doctor suggested that we do testing. Once is (unfortunately) very common, but twice could suggest there is something medically wrong.

I was not prepared for the results.

The testing found that I have several abnormalities with my blood - all leading to blood clotting. In addition, I have an issue with my thyroid and high(er) cholesterol. I was given a recommendation to a cardiologist and reminded again to see a general practitioner. Finally, I was put on baby aspirin - daily - as a blood thinner, recommended to change my diet, as well as exercise thirty minutes every day.

Luckily, my diet wasn’t going to need to change too much - just no more fried food, chips, candy, and limit dairy and gluten. Now, on Saturdays, we do a “cheat” day - if we are craving something (like doughnuts or queso and chips), we’ll eat it on Saturday. But Sunday through Friday, it’s vegetables, fruit, and fish (mostly).

The last thing I found out is that I would have to take a blood thinner shot when I’m pregnant that will help lower my chances of losing the baby, or having any other issues (pre-eclampsia, placenta abruption, etc.) to the “normal” range instead of “certain” range.

Remember my fear above? I fear needles. I do not do well with shots or any kind of needle coming towards me.

To say that I’m overwhelmed and covered in worries and fears is an understatement. Am I happy that we have answers? Yes. But it still doesn’t make the lost babies hurt any less. I still think about the what-ifs and have days where my heart is heavy.

How do you get through your fears?

Writing? Editing? Losing yourself in a book or TV show? Ignoring what is making you fearful? Taking a bubble bath and drinking wine? All of these things I have done. None of these have made the fears go away. I've forced them from my mind for a little while, but they always come creeping back. Sometimes late at night - waking me up from sound sleep, heart pounding. Sometimes in the middle of playing with my son.

My fears aren’t going away. Recently, I've decided that all I can do is take a deep breath, say a little prayer, and power through. I don’t have any “advice” or “how-tos” - just what I do to get through a fear that pops up. And if I have to close my eyes, imagine that I have gone through the worst scenario, and continue on, then sometimes, that is what I do. And other times, I take a moment to write - paragraph, badly written poetry, edit a scene - something to get me out of my head and past the anxiety to focus back on the moments that matter.

Oh, and I have a new fear. I fear the ultrasound room - and never hearing the heartbeat again.

How do you get through your fears?

Here's an example of some badly written poetry:

Fears

I fear never publishing a novel.

I fear never coming up with another story.

I fear failing as a wife and mother.

I fear crashing on the mountain bike again.

I fear my family never embracing Deaf culture.

I fear the pandemic and losing someone close to it.

I fear needles.

I fear never carrying another baby to term.

I fear the ultrasound room.

I fear never hearing that tiny heartbeat again.

“Power through, you can do it.”

“You have a living child.”

“Writer’s block isn’t a real thing.”

“Don’t dream too big.”

“It’s just a tiny needle.”

Condescending suggestions.

I shake my head,

rocking, whimpering,

tears leaking out my tightly closed eyes.

“I can’t do today.”

Tap, tap, tap.

“Mumma. Sad?”

Concerned hazel eyes turn to me underneath a riot of sunny curls.

“Sad?” Pointing to my tears with the sweetest smile.

I lean down, he kisses my eyes.

“All better?”

I take a breath, sighing.

“I will be.”

Close my eyes, breathe in.

Gather the strength,

Fears still there.

And continue on to play.

#ktjamesauthor #ktjames #amwriting #poetry #fears #pregnancyandinfantloss

*Perhaps you'll notice I didn't use the word "miscarriage" as I don't fully believe that it explains what happened. I didn't "carry badly." (The definitely of the term). I lost a baby. I prefer, as do many others who have experienced this type of loss, to use the term pregnancy loss or infant loss. It seems to explain the feelings behind what happened a little better.*