I am Deaf enough.
What do those words mean? Why is it important? Why is it such a big deal?
I've struggled with feeling "deaf enough" and what it all means. If this topic is too much for you, that's fine. If you think that I shouldn't let anything bother me, sure, I understand. It doesn't make my thoughts and feelings less valued - this is near and dear to my heart.
The words, “Am I Deaf enough?” constantly pop up in my daily life. Every time I am hanging around my Deaf friends or at a community event, a little prickle nudges me. Should I call myself Deaf?
Growing Up
My parents didn’t find out I couldn’t hear until I was in kindergarten. You could be thinking, "They must be bad parents!" That's not the case. I was born hearing. When I around two or three years old, I became sick and that is when the doctors assume I lost my hearing. My mom likes to tell me that I would turn the TV up, or ignore her, but didn’t think anything of it at the time. When the school did a hearing test on all the students, they called my parents.
I had failed.
I was raised oral and hearing. I didn't go to deaf camps, have interpreters in school, or learn ASL until I was an adult.
My deafness went unacknowledged. If someone noticed, it was, "Oh, she's hearing. She wears hearing aids, but if she's wearing them, she can hear you."
This is not quite true.
It is more if I can SEE your lips (glasses on or contacts in) and have my hearing aids in, yes, I can get most of what is said. But behind me? In a loud restaurant? At the dinner table? No way. At best, I hear half the conversation.
The price of stressing to “hear” or read the words often led to constant headaches. In addition to the headaches, I felt guilty if I couldn’t understand the conversation, as if it was my fault. My parents practiced verbal language with me - making it a priority that I speak well and to not depend on using my "deafness" as a reason to not speak.
(Note: the quotes are "deafness" here is in regards to how I was raised to treat my hearing loss.)
Eventually, I didn’t consider myself Deaf. After all, if you’ve been told all along what you are, you start to believe that. I’d hide my hearing aids by covering them with my hair or make sure that no one knew that I had a little “problem.” I studied twice as hard and set lofty goals (Ever heard of a D/HH French translator, anyone? No? Me either - it couldn’t happen and worked years with this goal). I was meticulous about English and grammar, making sure that I didn’t make noticeable mistakes that would cause people to say “Oh, she’s deaf.”
I was hearing.
You Can’t Hear
One summer when I was around sixteen, I met an interpreter at my grandmother’s church. I hadn’t seen sign language before and was instantly fascinated. My grandmother said the girl was offering a class and I decided to try it out. That night, she had a Deaf friend at her class of five or so people and he told his story. Remember, this was the first time I had seen sign language, so I wasn’t an expert, but could follow along because of his expressions and mouth movements. Later they asked how I had understood so much and I shrugged, “I read lips.”
They were curious as to why so I grudgingly admitted, “I have hearing aids.”
Shocked, he asked why I didn’t sign. I didn’t have an answer other than I was raised hearing.
It wasn't at that exact moment, but the seed had been planted that I was not hearing.
But, neither am I fully deaf.
So what am I?
Do I ignore the experiences I had growing up? The stress of remembering my parents trying to find the extra money to pay for hearing aids when I was a kid? Their sighs of relief when we found out I could get free and updated hearing aids throughout the school years. Anxiety when I got too much water in the hearing aids and dryer didn't work, so they were broken and I had to figure out how I could get another pair since I was out of school and VRS wouldn’t pay (over age limit) and don't even think about insurance paying. Of taking test after test and being told "I'm not deaf enough" for cochlear implants (before I knew more about them and decided I didn't want to go that way) to "I'm not hearing enough" to apply for my dream job as a translator. Of getting the goo in your ear and giggling while it squirted out and then hardened in your ear so you could be fitted for the molds - and realizing not everyone one goes through that when I was five... eight... eleven. Of any kind of altitude change or weather change and my ears popping constantly and I miss out on whole conversations because of the popping. Of the tinning and vertigo and clumsy balance issues (this is from both glasses and hearing for me).
Not to mention, the confusion of missing a joke, the frustration of not hearing a teacher when they turn their back to me, the anxiety that my child stopped breathing at night because I can't hear him, so I get up every hour to feel that he is breathing.
People saying "never mind" or "it's not important" when I ask "Can you say that again?" or "I missed it, can you please repeat?" (Just don't. Don't do that.) Of feeling my phone vibrate with a text message instead of a birthday call because you know you won't hear what they say. Someone phoning twenty-six (26) times because you didn't hear your alarm and forgot to turn the vibrate on and they know you didn't want to miss your nephew's birthday party two (2) hours away - and were trying to find someone who could bang on your window so the vibrations would wake you up (it was WAY too early to be up that morning). A full conversation at your back because you didn't know someone came up and then they tap you, handing you a pen or paper you dropped, before walking off in a huff and you have NO idea what happened to make them upset. Fire alarms and tornado warnings going off and people texting "are you okay?" and you try not to feel dumb with the response "yeah, why?" because you don't hear them.
But, no. I’m "hearing".
Insert maniacal laughter here. Riiiighhhtttt.
I am…
How do I identify myself? Deaf? Hard-of-hearing? Neither? Both?
Honestly, it depends on where I am. Because I am verbal and don’t “sound deaf,” when I’m in groups with D/HH friends, I don’t speak and use ASL. Some didn’t realize I COULD speak until after several meetings. With hearing people, I usually state first off, “I have hearing aids, I need to see your lips.” I don’t use either D/HH terms because I feel like my life is more than just hard-of-hearing but I don’t deserve to identify as Deaf since I am verbal and I do have some hearing.
So what is “Deaf Enough”?
The movement that is going on around the world right now is amazing. I felt heard. I felt like for the first time, I could identify as deaf and not feel as if I was a trespasser or oppressing other deaf people. If you haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it and it can be found here: I am Deaf Enough
Who am I?
I am a daughter, sister, friend, wife, and mother.
I am a writer.
And, I am deaf.
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