Hello, hello. I am here - back from an unexpected break.
What have I been up to lately? Let's catch you up these past four months. This is a very honest blog (not that I'm not normally honest on here, but rather, this is a very real blog). It will discuss mental health, sadness, anxiety, and using books as an escape crutch.
November
The last that I posted, I was working on PrepTober for NaNoWriMo. I did complete NaNo, but while I had planned on starting a brand new story, I didn't prep quite enough and ended up working instead on my 3rd draft of TLD. I am adding a lot to the first part and during that time, I realized, honestly, this story may be best served as a trilogy so now, I am working on completing the first part (aka book), then separating the second part (aka book) into two. I'll need to add a little into the second part to really have it be fully 2 books, but that is going to be easier than what I am working on now - adding to book 1.
NaNoWriMo was incredibly stressful. And while it normally is stressful and anxiety-ridden, it seems to be even more so than normal this year. My husband mentioned that he had noticed (after the month, of course), and how it really couldn't be good for me.
"Perhaps, next year, you can simply have a goal of writing daily, rather than trying to get the word count. Or, you know, just focusing on writing that month rather than reading, editing, etc."
Yes, perhaps. It did bring up a good point that I discussed with my writing group. We figured out that we (I) love the goal behind NaNo and having the tracker and the accountability, but the stress of the 50,000 can really affect our mental health. So, we decided we'd make quarterly goals this year in group and then break it further down into monthly and weekly goals. One created an excel tracker that the group can update weekly, monthly, quarterly, etc. and every week, we discuss where we are with the goals and are held accountable that way.
It's good in theory. Not so much in practice - for me, at least. I'll go into more detail in a minute about it.
That was my November. Now, on to December.
December
My December was filled with Christmas projects and family time. While I worked a little on TLD, mostly I was consumed by my cross-stitch projects. I made family portraits for my siblings and my husband siblings, and a grandkids portrait for my grandmother. Then for the grandparents, I did silhouettes of the kids. Finally, for my book club, I made a cute book with an ILY sign. All in all, it was 6 three-inch portraits, 2 8x10 portraits, and then 10 almost 2 inch "designs". Needless to say, I got a little burned out on cross-stitching and since the end of December, I've taken a break.
I do have several projects planned this year - I want to finish E's design, plus make the silhouette of my kids for ME, as well work on the TLD cross-stitch project. If I ever finish it, it will be glorious.
January
In January, we began to deep clean our house. My husband completely redesigned how each room would look and we began working on the house. We got through the den/play area, the new reading nook (complete with a Google reading light switch), the kitchen, the living room/dining room, and moving my office. Then we got sick.
So, life stuttered for a moment and we didn't get through the bedrooms upstairs. Still haven't, as we are just trying to keep up with regular cleaning right now.
During this time, I started struggling mentally. There were multiple reasons but, suffice it to say, I stopped feeling creative - no writing, no cross-stitching, no creating content for the blog or for social media (TikTok/Instagram). I did not keep up with the weekly writing goals.
Instead, all I did was read books on Kindle Unlimited. All hours of the day, all hours of the night. Read to escape. That bled into February.
February
I don't remember much of February - what I did, any cute anecdotes from my kids, nothing. I know that I read, but honestly, I don't even know if I can describe most of the plots from the books I read. I wasn't reading anything that would make me think, but rather, had an easy plotline and could just escape my reality.
I also am pretty sure I read around 90 books (at least) between the middle of January through the end of February. Ninety. 90. That is wild to me. They weren't tiny OR huge books - most were at least 250-300 pages.
I was obsessed.
I missed writing group. I stopped working on any of my writing goals for the quarter, the month, the week.
I was short with my kids and my husband. I didn't want to work, I didn't want to play, I didn't want to do anything besides read.
I was using books as an escape crutch. I didn't want to deal with my feelings, with my anxiety, with my overwhelming thoughts. I just wanted to escape from my life and leap into the lives of those I read.
It was... not pretty.
I had a talk with my husband the last week of February. Then, I had a therapy session. And it helped - or at least, start the process.
March
Now, it is March. I'm on a self-imposed ban of not using Kindle Unlimited for a month (or 2) to hopefully push myself out of this mindset. I can still read, but rather than just reading on my phone, I am trying to pick up a physical book. I am working on writing again - whether I'm using my English/French "Fantasy Tiles" to create a story (linked HERE) or working on the 3rd draft of TLD or even creating a blog post. I'm also trying to do at least 2 social media posts (TikTok or Instagram) a week for this month.
So far, I've been able to keep going. One of my sisters gave me a Little Words Project bracelet for Christmas. At the beginning, I thought it was silly, but, wearing it daily and seeing the words Keep Going has really impacted me. While it didn't keep me from getting in my head and in my funk, it is pulling me out of it, one day at a time.
While it isn't a new year, or resolutions time, my word(s) for this year will be just that - keep going.
So, for anyone who is struggling, just know, there are others out there feeling the same way. You are loved. You are enough. Just be YOU - and KEEP GOING.
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